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Monday, March 31, 2003
Ladies and gentlemen, you've just witnessed one of my super rare 24 hour spells of mental unsettlement. The tempest in my mind has past, and sunny skies are in the forecast. Good day. What do YOU think?? ***I've never been too negative before, but I think this may be the first time I've expressed any real venting before to any school friends. So yeah, long post ahead. *sigh* Where to begin?? Oh, I know. How about PROM?? Well, I find out that my first choice for a date has been asked already, and my second choice has lost her appeal lately…so I'm sort of kicking myself for delaying my asking for so long. Prom has totally made my life much more …complicated. I just feel a little crappy right now. <-----(For those who haven't noticed, the term 'crappy' is the strongest term of displeasure you'll see me use. So if you here me utter the word 'crap', just know I'm really disturbed) Seriously, in all fairness, Prom really isn't my main problem. I could go without a date, and (I think) I would be fine. I'm going to be in a big group anyways, and so I'll dance with the people I want to dance with, not a problem. The thing about prom that’s made me feel like crap is all the stuff that’s implicated with it. The date thing: I could care less about a date. What prom does to this date thing is that I want to go with a good friend, but I am forced to face the fact that have none anymore. What close companionship I had junior year with my first choice is nearly all gone. Prom has caused this problem to resurface, a problem I've tried to keep concealed for a good while now. I'm hurting. I've been hurting for a while. All of senior year I've been desperately searching for a best friend, a sidekick, a person I can be buddy-buddy with, but I've come up empty. The last time I can honestly say I had two best friends at school was at the end of junior year. That's 10 months ago. What I have currently pales in comparison to before. It sucks. Okay, so prom is giving me some mental anguish because of this problem that's resurfaced, me lacking close friends. It's been painful, but I think the way I handle pain just makes it worse. Problems/conflicts are just like a wound. The way most people handle it is by biting the bullet, taking the pain, and rely on friends to support them. Well, not me. I'm a weirdo. The instant I feel hurt/pain/insulted/discouraged/sad/angry, I suppress it. It's like my body instantly releases its own painkiller, but it does so naturally. I think it's because I trained myself to always be positive, and whatever negativity that comes my way is masked. But I mask it so well now. So the major wound that I've had all senior year has been festering within me, but I can't feel it grow worse because of my retarded ability to not get myself hurt. Apparently, prom is the straw that broke the camel's back, because I've either run out of painkillers, or I'm willingly letting myself feel the pain. A wound unfelt is a wound unhealed. Isn't that the truth? I've always thought I could get the best of worlds by appearing positive, and letting the wound just disappear into the wind. Well, looks like I found the limit. I really do NOT want to act unbecomingly, I do NOT want to, but I think all the bitterness, sadness, anger is spawning from that lost friendship with that one particular person, and…do I dare say it? I don't think it's my fault. I think I've done what I could to maintain an acquaintanceship, at the least, but nothing's happened. For me, this is NOT a "where were you when I needed you" type of problem, this is more of a "I've been waiting for you to come around since summer, but you're still not here. Where are you?" kind of deal. I've been trying my best to not desire anything in return for my caring/concern/interest, but it appears my tank of selflessness has run dry recently, and the emotions that was kept numbed and at bay are emerging. Dang, I really miss that lost friendship. It's so weird. I see her, and I wonder what significance I am to her. I can't believe I just said that about her, but unfortunately I think it's true…it's like whatever real friendship we had going was just a memory of the past (I've actually saved multiple AIM convos with her on my comp). Now I get lucky if we hold any AIM conversation at all (we've only had like 4 this senior year). How enCRAPulating. Is it me, or is it her? In the secret, in the quiet place… I find myself singing this a lot lately. It really has a deeper meaning to me now. At school, I'm always in my secret, quiet place, even when I'm surrounded by people. Is it her??? To sum up my long rambling…prom has just made me realize, again, my lack of friends at school. It hurts. My first choice of date, who has been taken, is one who I haven't really talked with all year, and communication is a foundation for friendships, right? Wow. I just realized something. Seriously. Honestly. I just read over my quote "I've been waiting for you…" and I now I know how God feels. How many times have I neglected to talk to Him? How many times have I rejected dates with God? How many times have I put schoolwork, games, television, and the internet ahead of spending time with Him? How many times have I spent 30 minutes reading people's blogs, but 0 minutes reading His blog, the Bible? How many times has He tried to get through my head "Justin, I've saved your life. Shouldn't you be getting you priorities straight?" I find it amazing that though I have displeased Him so many many times, He's still there. Waiting. With open arms. Like a shepherd whose found the missing sheep. Like a Father whose prodigal son has returned. Well, it's not like this thought/concept is new to me. I've learned it before, many times, but with time you grow too familiar of the greatness of God's love. He's so selfless, and we should be the same. Now my mind's gone crazy. I mind knows that the right thing to do is to keep up that selfless mentality, but all my emotions just want to stay bitter and/or demand an explanation for why this has all happened. *sigh* Whatever I choose, I better lay off my natural painkillers and start healing. Speaking of healing, I've tried a lot of things. Obviously, just isolating my emotions from myself doesn't work. I've looked in the Bible, but so far I haven't a particular passage that specifically deals with this. All I'm drawing is that I should live in a manner worthy of imitation. I know that my reliance should be on Him alone, that my life is all for His glory, not mine, but what happens when His will seems to be the hardest path to follow, almost too hard to endure? Oh well, gotta keep trying anyways. One person who I know I could count on: Allen. Thanks for talking to me today. I really needed it. Today just reinforced my belief that we truly are brothers in it for the long haul. This whole post may seem contradictory to the previous 3 entries, but keep in mind that the people who are linked are people whose life I want to be part of. It may not be true the other way around. As for not being concerned with people reciprocating my compassion…it bothers me. A lot. But, to the best of my ability, I still won't be asking for anything in return. If they will, then they will. If not, then oh well. Awww…crap, have I become victim number #5 of it? Does my situation qualify as an IT situation? If you guys have questions, ask them, but please don't be offended if I don't answer them. It's not that I don't trust you, its just that…well, the friendship may not reached the level for me to reveal the deep stuff. Hope you enjoyed the cruise, Stephanie. Have you figured out who I'm talking about YET? It's almost as if I WANT you to know who I am referring to. That way I can actually talk about this to someone who is a part of my circle of friends. What the heck. Might as well. Jonathan, if you're reading this, and you want an opportunity for us to hold maybe our first decent verbal dialogue, drop me a note. You probably know more about this than you think you know. The mask, off. The cover-up, no more. My problems, exposed. I'm keepin' it real. I only fear that this will just make things worse. *sigh* Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full at his wonderful face. The things of the earth grow strangely dim In the light of His glory and grace What do YOU think?? Friday, March 28, 2003
In the secret, in the quiet place. In the stillness You are there. In the secret, in the quiet hour I wait only for you Because I want to know You more. I want to know You. I want to hear Your voice. I want to know You more. I want to touch You. I want to see Your face. I want to know You more. I am reaching for the higest goal that I might receive the prize. Pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside out of my way. Because I want to know You more. What do YOU think?? Tuesday, March 25, 2003
Awwww....man....I've just made my brief blog rounds of the night, and I just wrote the previous post, and now I feel all sappy and mushy inside. *sigh* Oh well...mostly girls read my page anyways. Doesn't matter. Jonathan...you're all right. What do YOU think?? Affirmation, part 1 of 1. Okay, I haven't touched the table on the right for so long I think it needs a makeover. So, what better way to do it than getting rid of some links, and adding some new ones, and for the heck of it explain why they get to be honored on my site. Steph - One cool person who plays one mean fiddle. Goes crazy on the (!) and the *!*. One of my first and faithful commentors, you gave me that "drive" to keep blogging, so I did. Oh, you volunteer at TCH, so you're extra cool! Alice - Also a fiddler of superior talent, you let your actions do all of your talking. You have her ups and downs, but still has full faith and trust in God, and for that I admire you. You and Steph have both inputted your thoughts on God stuff, and I appreciate them both. Allen - If you want to find a man of God, look no further. Me and you, we get along so well, we're like bros. Don't talk to you much during the week since he's a fish at Rice, but come Sunday, we catch up as best we can in the ten minutes we eke out before service starts. Sometimes its only a couple seconds, but all that’s really needed for us is a hello, a hug, and a goodbye. Also a master violinist, you are definitely deserving of my admiration. Natasha - We became quick friends sophomore year, but hadn't had a class with her since until this semester. I quickly saw that you were a person of great character and thirst for God, and you set an early example which I wanted to follow. A pk who's a leader in her youth group, you earn your spot on my links list. Katherine - You Aida freak!!! My earliest memories of you were two summers ago in SAT class. Now, we're neato choir buddies, and your singing ability is quite good. Just stop singing choir sings Outside of choir. :P Ericka - What can I NOT say about you? It seems as if every aspect of you is worthy of my admiration. You were one of my first real high school friends, and the example you set in the early going has been an invaluable motivation to reach my potential. Thanks for being that great friend, I can't stress that enough. Also one who possesses the rare quality of active compassion, you have always been strong support when your friends were weak. You can hold your own. You seem to define what integrity is all about, and you truly reflect to others the love God has for us. Though I doubt you read my page, because you are who you are, you've earned your place on my links list, and I thank you again. P.S. Also a massive concert violinist. d jae - Last on the list but certainly not least. You may refer to yourself as d jae, but to me you're still Jonathan. Our friendship seems to be the most perplexing thing I've ever seen. We don't speak, we don't talk, we don’t IM to each other, we're not even in each other's presence all that often, yet we watch out for each other. It's almost like a distant and very indirect pen pal relationship. The thing that's kept me hooked on your blog is that view you in a positive light. You are a man of God…you know He's there, you're willing to defend Him at all costs(and you do it quite effectively, you know your stuff), And what's more is that you seem to be your own army of one when it comes to topics dealing with God and you don't buckle. You're one tough fellow, and you've got guts and character. Our schedules seem to conflict everywhere, so I guess I'll scrap what I can from the window into your mind your blog provides. Keep it real. I've got your back if you need me. P.S. He's one cool hip-hoppin', sharp-shootin' guy. Now addressed to all: I look up to all you guys (and ladies…who outnumber the guys 5 to 2). I really am indebted to all you've done for me in the past and present. You all have something I lack and am trying to gain. I regard all of you highly. If you have something to say to me, I'll listen and consider it seriously, because your thoughts and views matter to me. If I'm doing something wrong (which I tend to do a lot), tell me, don't let me slide. What do YOU think?? Sunday, March 23, 2003
Deviating from my usual deepness to bring you this important message: I believe I've just found Satan. Scary, huh? this is worth spamming to other people. What do YOU think?? Saturday, March 15, 2003
*clears throat* Long post ahead. A couple things I thought up during my spare time: You know someone is your friend if that person scans for your particular face among the sea of faces between classes so that you both can hi to each other. You know someone is your friend if that person asks "What's wrong?" when you haven't even said anything yet. You know someone is your friend if that person checks your AIM profile every five minutes or every time you have an away message. You know someone is your friend if that person disagrees with something wrong you've done and cares enough to get in your face about it, but does it a private, tactful manner. You know someone is your friend if that person doesn't have to think twice about inviting you to some social outing. You know someone is your friend if that person feels totally comfortable in calling you on the phone and holding a decent conversation for a good half-hour. You know someone is your friend if that person has saved multiple AIM convos with you onto their computers. You know someone is your friend if you're at the top of that person's list of people to pray for. What inspired me to write up all that? (Wow, I tend to ask rhetorical questions) Well, it seems that in the past month a good number of people have posted entries somewhere along the lines of "You call yourself a friend? Where were you when I needed you?" and other entries dealing with turbulent friendships. I definitely could relate to their situation, but my take on it is a whole lot different (surprise, surprise). I've always thought negativity was something to be kept at a minimum, so instead of focusing on the other person, I tend to focus on what I could do to make things better. That list was based on stuff I do, stuff other people do that I wish that I could do more, and then stuff I do that I wish other people would reciprocate back to me. If someone doesn't do it, it doesn't really indicate anything, I just thought that was how close buddy-buddy friends interact (but what do I know?). Okay, I digress… In trying to maintain the view that the bond between friends is selfless ("love is not self-seeking"), it's been a real strain on me to keep my eye out for people when it seems that they probably wouldn't notice whether I missed school for a week. Okay, maybe not that extreme, but you get the point. What complicates the matter is that I don't have many friends at school. I'm social with others, yes, but my friend count has never really exceeded 2. It's probably because I'm an emotionally stable guy, so I don't need anyone to "lean" on. Whatever problems arise in my life, I try to take care of it by myself. Yeah, I guess you could say I bottle up my emotions and put up a mask, but I do such a darn good job at it that I feel its for the best not to burden others. However, I want others to put the burden on me. I enjoy listening to peers as they tell me their troubles because it makes me feel important. It lets me know I'm making a difference when I encourage them and make them feel better about themselves. Okay, so I wrote all this stuff without getting anywhere, so here we go. My "problem" (notice the quotes) is that jealousy is slowly growing in me. At the beginning of senior year, I planned on maintaining what two friendships I had from the previous year and then adding a couple more friends. Instead, this year has been an "out with the old, in with the new" type of year, and I'm kind of annoyed by it. To clarify to Alice what I meant earlier, I can't afford to just drop friends, for I have only a few, and the middle of senior year is a bad time to gain replacements. So when I see my old friend(s) having private conversations with other people (we're all in a big chatty group, then suddenly two or three wander off softly conversing among themselves), I grow jealous. On the inside, I have this urge to just barge in and ask what's up because I spend barely enough time talking with them as it is, but I know that would be rude and inconsiderate, so I appear indifferent to the whole thing. I'm actually jealous because the companionship my friend(s) had with me has been replaced, and now others have what I now lack. Feel a bit snubbed, and left out in the cold. Not the best feeling in the world. So, how do I fix this "problem"? Ironically, my old friends can't help me out on this one. I guess I'll approach this problem by just enduring. In the midst of my stagnant friendship(s), I'll just have to stick with it, just be genuinely caring from the sidelines, ready to jump in when need be. Sure, its discouraging when I'm trying to be a friend to them when they seek companionship elsewhere and my help isn't called upon, but one thing I've been trying to work on is learning that love (the non-romantic kind) is not only self-seeking, but not jealous as well. I refuse to lay the blame on them, I'll just work on improving myself. I may go unnoticed, I may go unappreciated, but I know that if I still care, still show interest in what they're doing, still pray for them, then I know I'm doing what is good. Selflessness has never been the easiest road to take, but I think it’s a much better alternative than getting all bitter and ". "Well I'll be your crying shoulder…" man, if I only knew the words to that cool song. Oh, and as for my circle of people I hang out with - I still feel like the outsider, the tag-along, the third wheel. I don't think I'm on their minds when they organize social outings, nor do I think they would notice if I missed a day of school. (Of course, I'm not talking about the WHOLE group, and I'm not losing any sleep over this either, but being social on afternoons and weekends sure seems nice) This "problem" I just described - it only deals with school friends who don't go to my church. I've got awesome, true friendship at church. When you've got a common bond such as the love for God, I mean nothing can beat that. The Bible beautifully articulates what true friendship is like. When David just whooped up on Goliath, the Bible said: Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself. You wanna know something cool? I feel that I've got two friendships that are like Jonathan's and David's. Rhetorical question: How many souls are knit to yours? Oh, and one more thing. Before you go off in a rush to send me private entries to cheer me up or whatnot, I'd like to let you know that I'm fine. I usually am always fine. I can hold my own. REally. Here, I'll prove it. :) But…if you STILL feel the need to sign the guestbook publicly or privately, be my guest. P.P.S. - Update - the it count was 4, then weirdly went down to 2, then (I think, I'm not too sure) 2 other people bumped the count back up 4. Oh, and one MORE thing. If you treat this entry as a psycho-analysis exercise, you just might be able to decipher my ambiguity and vagueness and figure out who I'm actually talking about throughout this whole thing. And another hint is that I think Stephanie has the best chance of figuring out my mumbo-jumbo is she so pleases to do so. What do YOU think?? Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Something deep is coming, I promise, my next entry will go deep. But in the meantime, chew on this: I think all the second semester senior dating relationships arise because the two people are afraid of not having a prom date, so they date someone for insurance. Yeah, that's right. What do YOU think?? Tuesday, March 04, 2003
Okay, so mymusic is experiencing some technicul difficulties. And lately, my pride and my modesty are clashing together, big time. I didn't get any of the solo parts for the choir Pop Show. Part of me is saying "hey, it's okay, don't sweat it. It's only a show, and you know who's the good singer. Don't make a fuss" and then the other part of me is like "Make a HUGE FUSS! Your peers are watching the show, and the choir director picks other less-talented singers to take spotlight instead of you. You have the voice, you have the range, you've got rhythm and music, you can actuallyread music, and You're gonna let him SNUB YOU like that??" You see where I'm coming from? I everyone, especially the male population, have huge pride problems. We all have a "Anything you can do, I can do better" mentality. In my case, it would be okay if I sucked at singing...but I don't (in my opinion). I want to display my abilities in front of people, why won't the director publicly acknowledge my musical talent and pick me for a solo? Sure, my pride is hurt, but humility is when you are willing to accept what has happened. My answer is: I know humility is the best, but for now, I'm enjoying letting my pride run my brain a little bit. But, for the rest of you: Pride is a bad thing, one of those silent bad things people do, so don't do it. Oh, and another thing. This has been bugging me all school year. This next exceprt is from last year, and it holds so very true to me. Bugerking3 : YOU NEVER TALK TO ME IETHER!!! Bugerking3 : conversations are a mutual responsibility x sees candy x : i'm TIRED of being the INITIATOR in our FRIENDSHIP I don't initiate conversations. I'm sorry, I just don't to it well. If I have nothing of worth to say to you, then I'm not going to send you a text message. I'd be happy to receive messages and carry on conversations, I'm down with that. But I'm not one to spontaneously go "what's up" and chit chat for 2 minutes. Really pointless. But the thing that hurts is that I've lost a fairly friend because of the lack of communication. Well, not really lost, its just that the friendship has been very stagnant for nearly a year...and I must say, it's not the most fun thing in the world. From what I understand, friendships revolve around communication and (emotional) reliance on each other, and to a small degree admiration. Well, if I choose not to rely on others (mostly because I don't have to too much), would I end up with less friends? Result in friendships that lack depth or bond or a strong base? Anyone know what I'm talkin' about? What do YOU think?? Sunday, March 02, 2003
What do YOU think?? |
Please Read This: Justin's View on Relationships (Written by a friend) Justin® song of the week: Ultimate Cheeseburger Yao Ming Song Leisure listening: KSBJ Reading Selections: My Fellow Longhorns: WeiLi Johnny Christine Oren Nathan Sam Rose ChuMonster Alex Jake Jonathan My Beloved Owls: aida freak Steph Allen JASON!!!! stones and fire Jonathan Sam My Other Collegiates: Justin the Other Albert FireStones Keith CollegeNet Natasha My younger High Schoolers: Jason, the Leader Cindy fat can Ninja Linda Jesse AudioFreakJames Christine My Sis Little Brother Alice there's probably more, I just got a bit lazy. | ||